What I Deserve

Today was not a great day. No day when I’m faced with the realities of what it truly means to be diabetic is a great day. I’m supposed to be stronger and better than this. I have good blood glucose control. I’m winning this fight.

And then I’m reminded that, unlike most people, a little slip up isn’t okay.

Last night I ate things I shouldn’t have. I was stressed, annoyed, frustrated. I also didn’t pack enough for my lunch because I was in a hurry. So, after work I overate. Starchy foods. Not a good idea.

Within an hour I was EXHAUSTED. I needed a nap at 4:30 in the afternoon. Then I was too full to eat a proper dinner.

I woke up this morning feeling okay, not fantastic but not horrible. I had a normal, protein rich breakfast and went about my day. At 10:30 AM I noticed I was starving. I don’t usually eat lunch that early so I tried to ignore it. I was arguing with myself- was this a signal from my body that I need food? Or was it simply false hunger brought on by fluctuations in my blood glucose levels? At 11:00 AM I decided it didn’t matter. I HAD to eat. I’d packed plenty today- but still felt hungry. Yep, definitely blood glucose related hunger.

At 1:30 PM I couldn’t ignore it any longer, even though I knew it probably wasn’t true hunger. I walked to the dollar store next door and settled on some mixed nuts. I was absolutely CRAVING protein at this point. The nuts helped a bit. After work I decided to go ahead and go to the gym like I’d planned. I got a little more than half way through my work out and had to stop. I was light headed, seeing spots and felt like I might actually fall off of the elliptical.

I visited with friends, drove the carpool for my daughter’s friend and finally headed home. Still STARVING (this can’t be real hunger)! I ate more protein rich foods. Still very tired as well. Rested for a bit. Made dinner. More protein and fresh veggies. I FINALLY started to feel satiated. The irony of the situation didn’t escape me. I’d felt satiated the day before and ignored it. And now it had eluded me for most of the day.

I’m still overly tired and still have a slight feeling of hunger hanging on. My body is still trying to compensate for I did yesterday. Good blood glucose control doesn’t mean it’s okay to eat things that are bad for me. The control exists because I control it. And when I lose control I pay the price.

It’s funny, my friend and I were talking about eating things that make us feel badly. We both said that sometimes when we’re stressed we think, “I DESERVE this treat!”

But perhaps what I really deserve is to feel energetic, strong and satisfied instead of lethargic and hungry. Food for thought.



4 responses to “What I Deserve

  1. This crash you describe is why I no longer pig out on pancakes slathered in syrup (made from corn syrup!) Even though I just got out of bed the hour before, I just pass out afterwards for an hour or two, and feel lethargic the rest of the day. Sadly, this is about the ONLY thing that I have the will power to pass on so far, because it’s not a regular go-to habit anway.

    WHY, when something feels so good going in, does it feel so BAD once it’s in the stomach? Grrr! I cycle the same way as your description of the start of your bad day account – ignoring myself when I feel satiated until I suddenly hit a wall and literally DIVE into the fridge & pantry searching for something, anything, as long as it’s mega-starchy/sugary & instantly gratifying, and then not feeling hungry for a healthy dinner. And, having stressing days when all I want to do is keep shoveling in food-type items till I feel absolutely stuffed – not satiated, just stuffed. I feel for the struggle you are navigating Hope… with my family’s diabetic history, I am set to follow if no changes occur soon. I am grateful to read of your similar experiences & the ways you find that work for you. They are encouraging and I thank you for sharing & helping the rest of us.

    • Thanks for reading and especially for commenting! It’s always nice to know that other people understand our experiences and can relate to them. 🙂

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