I sometimes go for long stretches without posting on this blog. Not because I have nothing to say but because I SO MUCH to say and I can’t seem to narrow it down. My mind feels a bit like that tapestry pictured above; rich hues woven with subdued undertones, vast and varied, complementary and contradictory at the same time. How can pink and orange belong in the same space? This is what I ask myself when a post about unschooling earns me several new followers but the next day I would rather write about Health at Every Size; do these really belong in the same space? Won’t I alienate or annoy people if I’m too broad in my postings? Is the fact that I can’t seem to commit to one passion the reason I so often feel like I’m struggling to find my place in the world?
Ah, there it is. The thing that’s really bothering me. I’m almost 38 and I still feel myself struggling. In many ways I’m content and feel I’ve grown into myself but I’m still easily bored, easily frustrated, easily distracted. I see a few people around me who have One Big Passion, something to really sink their teeth into and build from. Their work, their community, their life is all connected to the that Big Passion. They have that bright red tapestry that catches everyone’s eye, makes us ooh and aah, and gives off a vibrancy that is contagious. Their Passion, like any bold tapestry, is the focal point of their life with everything else in their metaphorical house complimenting it.
I see still more people with One Big Passion alongside other passions thrown in the mix that seem complimentary. Their tapestries are beautiful arrays of blues and greens with just enough contrast to create interest but enough commonality to remain a binding focal point.
These types of tapestries are what I’ve longed for and tried for too long to recreate as my own. Much the way a piece of art can bring everything in a room together it seems so can a Passion. Or if not a single Passion at least a few that seem to compliment each other.
But HAES has nothing to do with unschooling. Unschooling has nothing to do with geek culture. Geek culture has nothing to do with self improvement challenges. None of these have anything to do with me waxing nostalgic about my kids. And yet here I am, talking about all of them. I can’t pick one. I’ve tried. (That’s a link to my first, abandoned blog because I got tired of writing about just one thing.) Even this blog began as self improvement challenge but I couldn’t sustain that so I changed it and now I’m a bit all over the place.
But I suppose that’s okay because I am the common thread for all those interests. I am what weaves them together into one tapestry. I am that array of colors at the top of this post that sometimes contradict each other. It’s time to accept that I’m not bright red. Or even complimentary blue and green. This is sometimes a struggle because it lacks focus which can feel isolating and also make it difficult to find a path. But it is who I am and it has it’s own strength and beauty which
has to be is enough.